I am often served, on someone else’s silver platter mind you, a grim and painful reminder of where I stand at this point in my life. I constantly think about what things I could’ve done differently to make my life better; it’s not quite the obvious things either. It’s the minute, subtle details that would make all the difference. Sometimes I wonder if my destiny is failure, so I can write a story about it and people can read it and not feel so bad about their own lives. Most of the time these failures are personal and unbeknownst to anyone else, for reasons you could assume. I can say that while I do tend to procrastinate, or even take a hiatus, that I never give up. EVER. I feel like I have that old Chumbawamba song on repeat in my head: “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again….”
I realize that I have wasted so many years. I certainly figured I would be finished with school by now. But despite how many books I have read on the relativity of mass and energy, I cannot time travel. I am interested in so many things, yet I am good at nothing. Therefore I have to do what I can while I can. It is a bitter reality to face. I keep thinking. ‘I’m still young, I have time to get things in order.” And then I turned 25 today……
1-19-09
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